Monday, October 10, 2011
I want my mom
So it's been a while. Not that anyone really reads this or cares what's on it, but I'm going to fill you in on the past few months. Mom passed away on March 14th and that pretty much ate my life for a long time. It still does, but I've learned to manage it. There have been some bright spots tucked in here and there so I didn't go completely insane. Par example: I got engaged to a wonderful man who has pretty much witnessed everything and still loves me. Laughing quietly to myself, I think about how he was right there the whole time and it took me that long to realize it.
In other news I've met my birth mother, my little half siblings, and discovered an entire new family that I didn't know I had. Words are hard to come by to describe their complete acceptance and fulness of love. They are truly wonderful people and a great blessing in my life...especially now.
I adore my husband. There's little else to describe exactly how quintessential a force he is in my life. So when we fight (everyone does on occasion) I let it hurt a little more than it should. The thing is, he has this wonderful, terrible habit of making too much sense. Sometimes he makes me doubt myself. That said, doubting is not always a bad thing. It's how we examine ourselves and correct what needs correcting. However, now is not the time to doubt myself. I'm planning two weddings (distance is a bit of an issue with our families as they are unable to travel), trying to work things out with my education, and trying to deal with the loss of my mom pretty much by myself because he has to stay in another state at his military base where he's stationed. Sometimes I want to say "Can't you be pissed with me at a more reasonable time, you insensitive dolt?!" Don't know...maybe that's what he wants. Maybe he just wants a reaction so he can know what I'm feeling. It takes some pressure for me to show what is really going on with me.
Current issue with him is, he misses me. He hates that I have to be gone for a while. He's irritated that I want a big wedding with the whole family (which has already had it's dramatic tidbits that haven't helped) and calls it impractical. He doesn't like the idea of getting pictures taken. He questions if doing all this will help us at all in the long run and whether I'll ever be truly satisfied...I understand. I miss him, too. Sometimes it feels as though I should just drop the whole thing and resign myself to being satisfied without a family wedding. But when I think about giving it all up, the tears come back with a vengeance (when I thought I didn't have any left). And now I just feel more lonely than ever. I don't know who to ask for help anymore, and now my own husband is telling me to give it up.
Maybe I should.
Oh help.
In other news I've met my birth mother, my little half siblings, and discovered an entire new family that I didn't know I had. Words are hard to come by to describe their complete acceptance and fulness of love. They are truly wonderful people and a great blessing in my life...especially now.
I adore my husband. There's little else to describe exactly how quintessential a force he is in my life. So when we fight (everyone does on occasion) I let it hurt a little more than it should. The thing is, he has this wonderful, terrible habit of making too much sense. Sometimes he makes me doubt myself. That said, doubting is not always a bad thing. It's how we examine ourselves and correct what needs correcting. However, now is not the time to doubt myself. I'm planning two weddings (distance is a bit of an issue with our families as they are unable to travel), trying to work things out with my education, and trying to deal with the loss of my mom pretty much by myself because he has to stay in another state at his military base where he's stationed. Sometimes I want to say "Can't you be pissed with me at a more reasonable time, you insensitive dolt?!" Don't know...maybe that's what he wants. Maybe he just wants a reaction so he can know what I'm feeling. It takes some pressure for me to show what is really going on with me.
Current issue with him is, he misses me. He hates that I have to be gone for a while. He's irritated that I want a big wedding with the whole family (which has already had it's dramatic tidbits that haven't helped) and calls it impractical. He doesn't like the idea of getting pictures taken. He questions if doing all this will help us at all in the long run and whether I'll ever be truly satisfied...I understand. I miss him, too. Sometimes it feels as though I should just drop the whole thing and resign myself to being satisfied without a family wedding. But when I think about giving it all up, the tears come back with a vengeance (when I thought I didn't have any left). And now I just feel more lonely than ever. I don't know who to ask for help anymore, and now my own husband is telling me to give it up.
Maybe I should.
Oh help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)