Musings of a Disgruntled Girl

I've reached an epiphany of sorts. It can be summed up in three parts:

* PART THE FIRST! - I Don't Like to Be Told What to Do
I went on a date about a month ago with a guy who seemed fairly nice. We got along well so I decided to get to know him better. After two dates, he started to talk about being "exclusive" and implied other future plans. This ticked me off for a few different reasons. He hadn't known me more than two weeks and he already felt comfortable enough to discuss MY future with HIM, we hadn't talked about much else than himself so he basically had no interest in who I am or who I want to be (apparently there's plenty of time to work that all out after the wedding), and then, to top it all off, he suggested I stay in Idaho after I graduate and forget about a career. No one plans my future for me but God, and even He draws a line.

*PART THE SECOND! - Words Are Awesome...But I Need More
I've heard many a boy say some pretty words. Words are great. I respect a man who can speak his mind and do so eloquently. However, I need something more substantial to back them up. I'm absolutely sick to death of boys who can't man up and do what they say what they're going to do.

*PART THE THIRD! - I'm Sweet Not Stupid
I'm not entirely sure what makes some guys believe that I'm gullible when they first meet me...I guess all they see is a cute face and blond hair. But those are exactly the boys I refuse to deal with from now on. I used to use that type a bit and toy with them. Just to blow them off completely, later. Avoiding them in general would probably be wisest not only for my own physical and emotional safety, but for the feeling of a clean conscience in not leading anyone on. Boys like that are stupid for the most part and not worth my time or attention.

Thinking about this in general is somewhat frustrating. But it had to be thought about. Now I have written down and can be done with it. <3

A Lesson in Charm

In a certain recent meeting of my church's single adult ladies auxiliary, a certain lady made a certain comment that struck a sour chord with me: "Let's face it girls, we're never getting married."
This rather nonsensical and compulsive speech was a blatant advertisement of her own bitter and spinsterish mood to all those present. Now how many recognized it for what it was is uncertain as many of the women in our congregation would love nothing more than to be married but are not, thus this discouraged some even further I'm sure.
I think the lady in question was just having a bad day as she'd just turned 35 and had no prospects. Perhaps I'm too bold to suggest what could be her problem?
For starters, the attitude needs some adjusting. A spinster is as a spinster thinks, ya know! What one doesn't have in beauty must be made up for with wit and personality. Energetic love of life and laughter not only makes a person happier, it makes them prettier on the outside too. A higher level of grooming wouldn't hurt either, though.
This girl is no mud fence, no, not at all. But she doesn't ever play up the best features of her face and figure. What's getting up maybe 10 minutes earlier to pamper yourself in the morning? When I feel pretty, I act pretty. And I've noticed the same behavior in the cases of many other girls.
Another good emotional make-better tip comes to mind: Ditch the idea that you absolutely have to get married at a certain age. I don't think God intended life to be a man hunt for matrimony. Don't get me wrong, marriage is an awesome goal to have. But pinning it to an age just isn't fair to you. It leaves almost no room for love or any sort of meeting of the heart with the head.
I suppose the point of this blog is this: When you're feeling unattractive and just can't seem to establish a good relationship with a good person, perhaps it's time you took stock of yourself as a person and changed what you don't like, rather than blaming the world for your problems and spreading gloom where it has no business being spread.

<3 Ashley

Dear Santa,

Hey there! It's been a while. Well it's that time of the year again and I'm fairly certain you know why I'm writing. So let's cut to the chase. Seeing as I'm considered a "grown up" now, I suppose one would think I should ask for something "sensible". Well, I'm glad you know me better than that. This year I'm going to keep it simple, though. I just want a book. Doesn't matter what book, as long as it's good. If you need ideas, ask Sarah Weiss at the library in Rockwell City. She has a million on a list she wants me to read :-). You could even consult my book list for school.
Just to update you on what I've been up to, I'm currently trying to start up a private piano teaching studio at home for a little extra income. Next semester I'm starting up harp lessons for fun (I've always wanted to learn how to play). And I'm thinking about getting involved in some ballroom dancing type stuff.
Well, I know you're a busy guy this time of year so I'll end my letter with this: Thank you. Thank you for always being one of the best parts of my childhood. You've made everything magical and I can't imagine having the Holiday spirit without you.
Love Always,
Ashley

Eye Twitch

I have recently rediscovered an interesting reflex of mine that kicks in when I'm annoyed by something: My right eye twitches. One situation in which this came to my attention happened as I was strolling through the store to my beloved music section. I was in no hurry because the particular band whose album I'd planned on purchasing was not particularly well known and I had been a fan since their humble beginnings. I was extremely discombobulated when I saw a group of giggling teenyboppers perusing my favorite music store and not in the Pop/Hip-hop aisle at Wal-mart where they belong. The next thing I know, they're skipping off with the last of the usually few albums that I wanted!
What really irked me was the fact that they had only heard one song from a particular movie which I will not name that the band had done for the soundtrack. They Googled it; saw that the lead singer was hot; and thus found where the current album was sold. *Eye twitch*

I used to work in a library before I started art school. Every day, this one lady sat at one of the computers and downloaded songs off the internet until closing. I was closing up one day and she came in, 5 minutes before I was supposed to lock the doors, wanting to use the computer. I politely told her that the computers had already been turned off for the evening and she'd just have to come back the next day. She went nuts on me, saying I was being inconsiderate and she'd get me fired. By this time, I was tired, hungry, and thoroughly ticked off at the fact that I'd worked double hours without thinking to bring my lunch. It took all the composure I had to look her in the eye, ask her if she was finished, and told her that I was locking up now and if she did not leave I had the right to call the authorities. But what really got her was the *EYE TWITCH*. I knew it because she was startled the second it kicked in. She left in a hurry. The next day she tried to report me to my boss who looked at her incredulously and subsequently blew her off.

What habits or reflexes do you have when you're annoyed?

Dans mon cite favori

The lights of Salt Lake remind me of a jewelry box. Ribbons of light and sparkling dots cover the valley and part way up the mountains. I could stay awake all night to just stare at them and be inspired by the way they light up the earth but in a way don't even compete with the ceiling of stars. People are always complaining about how the night sky is overpowered by the city lights. I happen to enjoy the blend of the bluish black velvet sky and its silvery stars and the warm gold and red glow from downtown. Then again I've always liked things like that. Perhaps I'm just silly and overly dramatic. But somehow I don't believe that matters. There's something nice about being able to see things this way.

Contemplating Faces

Lately I've been working on my portrait skills. One thing I've noticed is that the easiest faces to recreate are the either the least interesting or the most familiar. Therefore I've made it a personal rule not to draw uninteresting faces and just focus on making the face I'm working with more familiar (I'm hoping that makes sense). One of the first portraits I ever did was of myself. Becoming more familiar with my own face laid the foundation for studying others. I've noticed that my face isn't pretty in a conventional way: rounded structure, large eyes, full lips, slightly upturned nose. It's more whimsical than "hot" and I like it.
I have two subjects that I've been really excited about. One is a very dear friend of mine and the other is her brother. What I like about their features is that they are obviously related, I've never seen siblings look so much like each other, but at the same time they're completely different. So trying to capture the similarities enough to make them look related but keeping the characteristics that make them so definitely unique is difficult.
My friend's face is something of an oval with a tapered chin. She has large, blue eyes framed with well arched brows and a straight sort of British looking nose. Now what I like best about her face is the hardest to draw lol. Her smile is exquisite. Big and sunshiny! Just as a smile should be :) She's kind of an elfish sort. I like it.
Now her brother has the same ovalish face but with more angles (well that's cause he's a boy). His mouth is very serious looking but it makes a very nice smile (I suppose one could say it's dashing?). The nose is the same as his sister's. Now the eyes are where I get stuck. They're just as expressive as my friend's but more mischievous looking. That look of being up to something gets me every time. But it makes me smile when I get it right!
Now here's your challenge, look in a mirror and find the things you like most about your face and leave a comment below!!! :D

"Repartee is something you think of 24 hours after you should have said it."~Mark Twain

This post is dedicated to all the moments in which I acted like a doormat. I'm moving into a new frame of mind where it is OK to let people know when I'm not OK, when my feelings are hurt, or when I just don't like them at the moment. I'm not going to go on a tyrannical spree of bridge burning or biting everyone's (anyone who has ever ticked me off in the slightest) head off. But here's my list of repartees that I wish I'd been brave enough to say before (no chronological or any sort of order):

*You think a jean skirt is too dressed up? Well ya better start clicking your heels if you don't like it 'cause you're not in Iowa anymore.

*You don't like my lipstick eh? Well I don't like you or anyone you associate with so I think we're about even.

*Oh really? YOU have the perfect body? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

*Oooooh! I cower in mock fear of your SENIORITIS! Get over yourself, it's high school. Have fun with that attitude in real life.

*In the words of one of my favorite actresses: You go under water and I'll count to a million.

*Wow....I'm utterly astounded by how stupid you just made yourself look.

*You THINK you like her? You're willing to risk everything you have right now because you THINK you like her?

*You're awfully small minded to be making threats like that.

*As a lady, I don't start fights. But if you start one I will finish it.

*Help you? Sure, I'll help you...right over a cliff!

*Mind? Why would I mind that you tried to take what I wanted most?

*I don't like you, don't even try to talk to me.

*You're standing way too close to me.

There's more, but that actually was enough to make me feel better. Think what you wish :)

My Mum said something that I don't think I'll ever forget the other day.

"They say limabeans are high in iron. Well you know what? So are nails. There are some things that you just don't eat."

Truer words are hard to find. I don't mean to offend those who do enjoy those nasty alien green bean type things. But, ugh....all sorts of limanasty!

Artsy stuff

So hilariously tragic...

Our generation has been given some of the most dangerous tools known to man: digital cameras and the internet. The combination can be lethal to brain cells and the quality of art. To illustrate what I mean: http://www.utahwolfproductions.com/Modeling.html . This is a very sad example of the situation in which someone puts all of their creative energy into an actual production and the product is so low in quality, that the sucktasticness of it has left most viewers dumbfounded. Some may say "They're just using what resources they have, stop being so mean!" But here's my counter remark: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sYBqhOEdRQ&feature=PlayList&p=4023EF9CBB6B9B45&index=0 . EIP(c) is a film group of kids about college age that make films with generally the same equipment and resources Utah Wolf (c) uses. Needless to say the difference in the quality of the acting, cinematography, and overall enjoyability is pretty big. What do you think?

I Will NOT Say I'm In Love.....until I'm absolutely sure...

What do you do when you are suddenly swept off your feet?

I totally was not expecting it to happen. Heck I wasn't even looking! Then suddenly the craziest, quirkiest, most romantic person I've ever met pops into the picture with a guitar and a massive smile. He's amazing. I've never met anyone so vibrant and active. He's a character that you wouldn't expect to see outside of a screenplay or a music video. He's full of energy but it's not hard to keep up with him. He makes everything colorful...heheh ummm in several different ways. Being around him makes me excited about life. He makes me feel like the world is even more amazing than I ever knew and my options are endless.
He's the type of person who'd do something just to be able to say he'd tried it (ex: I could ask what he thought of dancing in a rainstorm naked and he'd say something along the lines of "Hmmm sounds like fun, let's try it!"). Haha Needless to say, being with him is a constant adventure. Now to the serious part.
I don't trust my heart. I feel almost....guilty...I'm afraid to start using the "L" word again. Is it too soon? ARRGGH! It's so frustrating because he helped me through the worst part of my "bad place" in one day after I'd been fighting it for months. And now that my feelings are starting to thaw out, I'm feeling...different. I guess nothing happens the same way twice. Being blank, frozen, and, yes, slightly bitter for four months makes me wonder what the "L" word really feels like. Four months isn't very long...but...? Ugh... Just ugh...

Best Friends Are Curious Creatures

So a rather interesting thing ocured: Someone made me realize that my feelings matter. Crazy. Right when I was resigned to being all doom and gloom for the rest of my life, an amazing person comes out of no where and tells me that everything's alright...and I believe him. So yeah, suddenly I have a best friend. It's been pretty amazing to say the least. He's exactly what a best friend should be and I hope that I'm half as helpful to him as he is to me.
At the moment I'm taking some time to think about what being a good best friend is. I think a best friend is someone you'd do just about anything for because they make you a better person. A best friend teaches you things and listens to what you have to say. They'll let you know when you've made a mistake. They'll set aside some "hangout time" so you both can enjoy a break from reality. They'll accept constructive criticism and give it with respect. A best friend will stand up for you but let you fight your own wars. They're your partner in crime and your shoulder angel. They won't tear you down. They won't use or betray you. They'll be there with a very large hug whether or not you need it. They won't play mind games with your emotions. They won't laugh when you tell them something important to you. They'll tell you what's on their mind and ask for advice. They won't lie but they won't make the truth brutal. And most importantly, they'll love you, even during your most obnoxious stupid moments.
That's what I've got so far. I plan on thinking about it more.

And the Pain Comes Back With Vengance

Let's face it folks: Love wasn't meant to be convenient.

Over the past few weeks, an old problem that I thought was resolved resurfaced and slowly drained as much energy from me as it could before I finally faced it today.
Being all smiles is what I do best, even during hard times. But today the smile came off and I just sat down and cried. Why did this have to come back? Just when I felt like I was strong again, the past came and ripped every defense I had to bits. I don't need to be in love...but it would be nice to have someone to talk to...but I don't want to spread my horrible mood....so why the heck am I blogging this?
Well no one really reads it anyway. Meh. Sigh* There's something therapeutic about writing/typing everything out of my head so I can just let it go for now and focus on more important things than myself. People need me. Don't have time to worry about "I". My pain's pretty trivial. I mean there's always someone who's hurting more, right?
Anyway...should be doing homework so I'll go get on that.


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Now playing: Dixie Chicks - Am I the Only One (Who's Ever Felt This Way?)
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing: Jacky Terrasson - Plaisir d'Amour
via FoxyTunes

Podcasts

Podcasts are just plain awesome. I mean who wouldn't want to set their ideas and funky quirks to a music and sounds?! So I'm attempting to start my own little podcasty deallybobber...I'll let you know when I get it all sorted out!

This I Believe...No..This I KNOW

*I know for a fact that God is the Eternal Father, Jesus is the Christ and the Holy Ghost is himself.
*I know that there are Prophets in the world today.
*I know miracles really do happen.
*I know there is a heaven and a hell and I know that there's more to both of them than some people seem willing to recognize.
*I know (and don't care) that being LDS isn't the most popular faith around.
*I know that most people don't like to be told the truth when they've believed otherwise for too long.
*I know that my Redeemer lives.
*I know that a lot of people have forgotten him, myself included for a while.
*I know and love that everything about my religion is true and good.
*I know that death is not the end because that statement doesn't make sense.
*I know that all of the promises that have been made to me through both the Bible and the Book of Mormon will be fulfilled.
*I know that the Book of Mormon helps me to understand the Bible in ways I never could have imagined before.
*I know that if I ask questions and search diligently, I will get answers (I may not always like what I get but I will get the truth).
*I know that I'm not perfect and I don't expect to be anytime soon, but I can try.
*I know that this probably won't be read by a whole bunch of people but I know that many who do will tell me I'm wrong without even thinking about it.
*I know that God led me to being who and what I am today.
*I know that God lets me make my own choices.
*I know for a fact that my ancestors are more than just names on a page.
*I know that my family is what really matters.
*I know that if wickedness never was happiness, then righteousness never was misery.
*I know that I'm going to love and forgive, because judgment of others is not my burden to bear.

I'm probably going to add more to this later.

College Life is the Reward For Dealing with Highschool

Well here I am! BYU-Idaho! Land of the free and home of the best looking Mormons around! It's quite amazing really. Open campus all the time, no cliques, no drama (as long as you stay organized), friendly people, interesting classes and teachers who actually care about you. You'd think that this is the most you could ever get out of a university, but there is MORE!!! FREE TUTORING in practically every subject. There's even an entire department of the library dedicated to helping students with their math home work. Another one is designed to assist with writing papers and another to help out with music theory and such!
Every Friday night there's a dance going on somewhere. Manwaring Center does the country and swing dancing, Hinkley Building does latin ballroom, and I can't remember where the ballroom dancing is held but it is. I get to go Mormon clubbing on the weekends! Here, guys ASK the girls to dance. They know how to dance and whirl the girls around the room like you'd see in the movies. When the song is over, the guys ESCORT the girls off the floor for some other prince charming to start the whole process over for the next dance. The music is great too! I think there's a formal coming up.....hmmm I'll have to look at the schedual.
Needless to say, college here is great!
TTYL