Wedding stuff

I want my mom

So it's been a while. Not that anyone really reads this or cares what's on it, but I'm going to fill you in on the past few months. Mom passed away on March 14th and that pretty much ate my life for a long time. It still does, but I've learned to manage it. There have been some bright spots tucked in here and there so I didn't go completely insane. Par example: I got engaged to a wonderful man who has pretty much witnessed everything and still loves me. Laughing quietly to myself, I think about how he was right there the whole time and it took me that long to realize it.
In other news I've met my birth mother, my little half siblings, and discovered an entire new family that I didn't know I had. Words are hard to come by to describe their complete acceptance and fulness of love. They are truly wonderful people and a great blessing in my life...especially now.
I adore my husband. There's little else to describe exactly how quintessential a force he is in my life. So when we fight (everyone does on occasion) I let it hurt a little more than it should. The thing is, he has this wonderful, terrible habit of making too much sense. Sometimes he makes me doubt myself. That said, doubting is not always a bad thing. It's how we examine ourselves and correct what needs correcting. However, now is not the time to doubt myself. I'm planning two weddings (distance is a bit of an issue with our families as they are unable to travel), trying to work things out with my education, and trying to deal with the loss of my mom pretty much by myself because he has to stay in another state at his military base where he's stationed. Sometimes I want to say "Can't you be pissed with me at a more reasonable time, you insensitive dolt?!" Don't know...maybe that's what he wants. Maybe he just wants a reaction so he can know what I'm feeling. It takes some pressure for me to show what is really going on with me.
Current issue with him is, he misses me. He hates that I have to be gone for a while. He's irritated that I want a big wedding with the whole family (which has already had it's dramatic tidbits that haven't helped) and calls it impractical. He doesn't like the idea of getting pictures taken. He questions if doing all this will help us at all in the long run and whether I'll ever be truly satisfied...I understand. I miss him, too. Sometimes it feels as though I should just drop the whole thing and resign myself to being satisfied without a family wedding. But when I think about giving it all up, the tears come back with a vengeance (when I thought I didn't have any left). And now I just feel more lonely than ever. I don't know who to ask for help anymore, and now my own husband is telling me to give it up.
Maybe I should.
Oh help.

....

Recently I came pretty close to losing my mom. She hasn't really been my mom for a while for all essential purposes simply because of all the pain she's had to deal with. I get that. I understand. I know that life's not fair. But who ever really thinks they're ready to be without their mom?
Maybe I'm using "I" too much here. But I honestly don't know what to do. How do I prepare for something like this? There are days I don't even want to get out of bed because I'm afraid of what new nasty surprise is waiting for me. That's not me.
So, from here on out, I'm going to try to live life as normally as possible. It's time to be a big kid. No more tears. No more complaints. Sucking it up, smiling, and faking it til I make it.

The Clock

It was 2AM...I was still awake. Screwdriver in hand and a little old alarm clock in my lap as I sat cross-legged on the floor. This sucker would work if it was the last thing I did. After applying a bit of pressure (very gingerly, mind you) at the edges of the small plastic skeleton, it came apart. The tender, intricate insides bare for me to examine. The wiring was simple enough. Typical 80's LED display with the little boards connected to eachother for the mechanism. And...ah...there was the problem. Four of the little wires connecting the mechanism board to the display board had broken. I split little bits of electrical tape, then gently rapped each wire to its respective half. Carefully folding the boards back together, I put the skeleton back over my work. Praying silently that the wires had stayed together when folded with the tape, I plugged the cord into a socket in my room. It lit up and the buzzer came to life. I checked the buttons: everything worked perfectly. My heart swelled with pride at my small accomplishment. Now I could think about sleeping.....but....there was that lantern in the basement that needed fixing....

Ashley's Floral Fantacies

Be sure to check out my portfolio blog and see how I'm doing as a floral designer ;-P

Just click on the title of this post and it'll link you right to it! <3

What I've Been Working On

In case you didn't know, I'm currently studying Floral Design. Part of my schoolwork is to work with real clients as often as possible. My very first happened to be my aunt who wanted to show her full support of my career choice by going out and getting a boatload of silk flowers for me to play with and put around her home!

This one's my favorite!

Valentine's With a New Attitude

If you're anything like me, dear reader, then you probably have a history of seriously disliking Valentine's (aka Singles Awareness) Day. Well, I recently had the opportunity to rethink the meaning of the holiday with the hope that I would avoid a day of wasting my energy being negative.
Firstly, I ditched the image of a fat baby shooting arrows at unsuspecting victims and actually looked up the story of Cupid, or as I'd rather call him "Eros". It's a wonderful tale and I encourage you to look it up for yourself. It actually made me think more about trust and seeing with one's heart rather than one's eyes. I thought about the trust and faith that goes into loving someone else and the importance of those two qualities in any relationship. There can be no true everlasting love where there is no trust.
With that in mind I took it into a different direction and thought about the importance of being honest with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself, you can't truly be honest with anyone else. These collective ideas led me to a rather adventurous sounding conclusion: Use Valentine's to be completely honest with myself and everyone else.